September 1, 2026
Dearest Friend,
I've been thinking about failure a lot these past couple of days.
Not in the defeatist sense of "I'm a failure and nothing can fix that." But something a little bit more philosophical, along the lines of, "What is it that makes failure possible?"
During my time at BU, a guest lecturer spoke to us about her experience immigrating to the US and going to graduate school. She spoke about the lengths she went to in order to secure a position in her graduate program, and the other mess of things she did to make sure she got a tenure-track position. It worked so well, she was actually poached from one tenure-track job at a university, to another, better, university.
Towards the end of her musings and reflections, I remember the conviction she had in her voice when she said, "Failure just wasn't an option for me. Not the way it is for people with large amounts of money or trust funds. This was the thing I was doing, and it just had to work."
I remember feeling seen in that moment. I'd heard versions of this message before. Things like "Don't try, just do." But nothing had clicked like that moment.
There are plenty of moments and situations in my life where failure wasn't an option.
I didn't have the option to just not get into a PhD program. There was nothing else for me to do.
I didn't have the option to just not be the head of family after my father died. No one else was going to take care of it for me.
I didn't have the option to stay in the US. I had to leave to protect my family.
Something happens when you realize that failure simply isn't on the table. You find the resources you need, or you make them up. You identify the next step and keep moving. You stop doing the things that don't work, and focus on the things that can be fixed. You don't allow yourself to get paralyzed in the face of the unknown.
I will admit that I have been paralyzed by the unknown. Dragging my feet towards the task and saying things like, "I'm just experimenting and taking my time. It's not like I'm good at this."
But I am just now reminded that the only way to get good at something is to have the grit to do it anyway. Learn something new if it doesn't work. Keep going until it feels right.
It is not that I'm not scared. Gods know that I've been feeling incredibly frightened. I don't want to let my family down. I also don't want to burn myself out. My disability grows more apparent each day...
And now that I recognize that failure to do this thing that I love simply isn't an option, I also recognize that courage is just fear walking.
I can do both.
I can be afraid and still do the thing.
I can be a determined novice until, one day, I'm not.
Sharing the messy middle,
Jace
